Many of you don't know that I had a father well a grandfather until I lost on him in March of 1993. I loved him so much that when he died it felt like my heart hurt and it would stop beating. I had a hard childhood but he was the one person I knew loved me. People often described him as a joker. He was so lovable. So kind. So much fun. I loved his laugh. We laughed together a lot. I don't think I laughed much if I wasn't with him. He was my everything and when he died I thought about how I would survive.
One night after another fight with my mother about my weight. I told her that I was depressed and was having a hard time since Grandpa died. She didn't care. She told me to get over it and she didn't have the money to take me to a doctor to get help. "Why did I need medication or to talk to someone about it?"
I was doing the dishes sobbing uncontrollably. How could I go on? How could I make it 3 more years in this home? How was it going to get any better? I had taken all the bottles of pills I could find and had decided that I had endured enough pain at 15. I couldn't see the light. I had always had friends who took me to church and had wonderful, well to me they did, families and talked of this loving God. Well I didn't see him and now after losing my Grandpa I couldn't see him.
So during the dishes I had decided those pills were my answer. I cried because I knew that this God would loved me or so I was told but I couldn't see him. I sat there thinking about the things my friends told me. God carries you when you can't walk on your own. He is carrying you. Really? So as I made up my mind I heard a voice...clear...I will give you everything. I will give you a man to love. I will bless you beyond what you could imagine. So I listened. I walked upstairs and held those bottles and cried. I was going to let this God help me. I wanted so much for him to love me too.
So why tell you my sad sorry...because I think sometimes we forget that there are many who struggle without knowing that someone loves them. I love them. You love them. God loves them. I tell this because God has given me more than I ever could have imagined. I have a wonderful husband. God blessed me with 5 children. Hello 3 of them are boys!! I wanted men I got it!! I feel so blessed to have my boys. I tell you this because as I stand in the frame work of my home...I know I am blessed because of GOD.
He spoke to me.
He carried me when I couldn't even think about walking.
He loved me through it all.
I am a child of God. I am not perfect or innocent but I sure do love him!!
Thank you Lord for loving me enough.
Your child
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